February 23, 2024

Deciphering keywords in dating profiles

Welcome to ASK SERGEANT CASANOVA, a regular love, dating a sex advice column for active duty service members, retirees, and dependas looking for a smash before their husband comes back from TDY next week. Slide into my DMs, ladies, and I’ll slide up in them guts. You can reach me via [email protected].

A lot of you been asking, “What does the weird buzzword language you see in dating profiles mean?” Sgt Casanova is here to decode them for you!

“Petite.” She’s a dwarf.

“Statuesque.” She’s incredibly tall.

“Spiritual.” He started a cult based on crystals, and if you say you have a crick in your neck, will say it’s because the moon is in a certain house of the square. MIGHT be super good at sex if crazy enough, but maybe not. Some crazy people are just crazy.

“Loves animals.” Had a dog once.

“Really loves animals.” Let the dog lick peanut butter off their junk.

“Into fitness.” Whoo boy, this could mean anything from “I’m obese but subscribe to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s newsletter” to “I track everything I—and you!—eat, down to the tenth of a calorie.” This is basically filler, so ignore it.

“*Doesn’t specify height.*” If it’s a man, then he’s below six feet. SWIPE HIM OUT.

“Outdoorsy.” He or she has decided not to bathe regularly and needed to find an excuse. If female, she also may have decided she doesn’t want to shave. Be warned.

“Discreet.” She’s married. Or the daughter of a CSM.

“Appreciates the finer things.” They will make you pay for everything.

“Love to dance.” Prostitute.

“Proud American.” Extremist. Might tell you about lizard people and how vaccines are Bill Gates’ way of putting microchips in your blood. Or, might tell you about his personal Lord and Savior, Noam Chomsky, and how George Bush drinks the blood of babies. DO NOT marry this person! But: crazy enough that the sex might be phenomenal!

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Translation: an insufferable narcissist. You’ll never see her at her best, except for the times she’s going out for a “girls’ night” dressed like a stripper and comes home smelling like the pear tree in your garden.

“Artsy.” Will make you go to gallery openings.

“Fun.” Enjoys things.

“Take it slow.” On your 50th wedding anniversary, you MIGHT get a heej.

“Adventurous.” Sits in unwashed sweatpants, watching documentaries on Netflix.

“Up for anything.” You will testify in his trial in exchange for immunity.

“Casual fun.” You will get an incurable supervirus.

“Not looking for players.” You will fund her lifestyle while she continues to get her guts pumped by players.

“Intellectual.” Fat with a Master’s degree from Opelika State. Or just fat with bad eyesight.

“Healthy.” Buys the same calorie-laden shit that you do, but pays three times what you do at Trader Joe’s for packaging that implies it’s made by same-sex-marriage hippies in Oregon.

“Romantic.” Wishes someone would love them in spite of their refusal to get in shape, bathe, or adopt a personality.

“Wants to connect.” Ugh, she will want to talk about feelings. Unless you’re prepared to dream some feelings up, and tell her you have them, avoid.

“Non-judgmental.” Terrified of being judged, likely because of that time he committed arson on federal property.

At the end of the day, none of this matters. All you unreconstructed idiots will enthusiastically engage in whatever catfishing, honey-picking, or blatant whoring gratifies your egos, or the love your father never showed you, no matter what I say. But like Carmela’s therapist said on The Sopranos, “Now, when you’re standing before God and He asks you to explain yourself, you can’t tell Him nobody told you.“

Duffel Blog makes no claims, warrants, or assertions about the veracity, applicability, wisdom, legality, ethics, or even the moral acceptability of any advice or opinions offered by SGT CASANOVA. All of us generally avoid eye contact with the guy and just sort of nod when he says, “You know I’m right!”

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